Why is this man smiling?
Working on this site requires me to spend a lot of time looking at pictures of myself. Understanding how I present myself to the world is part of what I do. I also talk about myself a lot; this is a diary, after all. As someone who is hoping one day to transcend the ego, I feel a certain tension about all this mirror- and navel-gazing. I'm also frequently chagrined by how much clutter I discover in the ongoing effort to clean up the dirty basement of my soul. But what makes it all worth while is that occasionally, I discover something in me that I really like.
Last summer, I saw a photograph of myself taken during the encore of my CD release at Hugh's Room. I was smiling so broadly I barely believed it was me when saw the picture (although the music note ball cap and Canadian flag t-shirt were pretty good evidence). I truly hadn't realized that my mouth could even stretch that wide. My face actually taught my brain a lesson.
Later, I saw another picture of me, taken in the backstage area at the Shelter Valley Folk Festival. My eyes were closed and I was listening to the live feed from the stage, captured brilliantly by my friend Michael Nunan. The look on my face in the picture was one of profound peace. I truly hadn't realized that my mind could even sit that still. Knowing that I was able to inhabit a friendly moment incidentally, gave me more confidence to inhabit difficult moments intentionally. That was a big step.
Recently, I saw a likeness of me with a big wide grin and an easy, happy confidence on stage at the Free Times Cafe. That picture somehow combined the peace of the Shelter Valley shot and the joy of the Hugh's Room shot. Again I was greatful for the gift of a photographic lesson. Why is this man smiling, I wondered?
He's smiling because he's happy.
Of course that opens another can of worms: who am I to be happy? I'm an undeserving sinner, an existential wretch, a lost soul on the human highway and all that. Whole villages are being wiped out and I have long hot showers whenever I want. I burn gasoline and electricity and fly all over the place in airplanes, and my little folk songs ain't exactly saving the world...
Still, I ask myself: if I can't be happy, with all my great good fortune, good health, and good luck... who could be? And so I feel that I must be, and I shall be, and I am.
Last summer, I saw a photograph of myself taken during the encore of my CD release at Hugh's Room. I was smiling so broadly I barely believed it was me when saw the picture (although the music note ball cap and Canadian flag t-shirt were pretty good evidence). I truly hadn't realized that my mouth could even stretch that wide. My face actually taught my brain a lesson.
Later, I saw another picture of me, taken in the backstage area at the Shelter Valley Folk Festival. My eyes were closed and I was listening to the live feed from the stage, captured brilliantly by my friend Michael Nunan. The look on my face in the picture was one of profound peace. I truly hadn't realized that my mind could even sit that still. Knowing that I was able to inhabit a friendly moment incidentally, gave me more confidence to inhabit difficult moments intentionally. That was a big step.
Recently, I saw a likeness of me with a big wide grin and an easy, happy confidence on stage at the Free Times Cafe. That picture somehow combined the peace of the Shelter Valley shot and the joy of the Hugh's Room shot. Again I was greatful for the gift of a photographic lesson. Why is this man smiling, I wondered?
He's smiling because he's happy.
Of course that opens another can of worms: who am I to be happy? I'm an undeserving sinner, an existential wretch, a lost soul on the human highway and all that. Whole villages are being wiped out and I have long hot showers whenever I want. I burn gasoline and electricity and fly all over the place in airplanes, and my little folk songs ain't exactly saving the world...
Still, I ask myself: if I can't be happy, with all my great good fortune, good health, and good luck... who could be? And so I feel that I must be, and I shall be, and I am.
Labels: existentialism, Free Times Cafe, happiness, Hugh's Room, sins, smile, SVFF
posted by David Newland at 7.4.06
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