Beside Myself
I heard a woman on the verge of death say recently, "There's nothing after this. What you get, is this life." And this woman was happy. She has no religion... and yet, she is ready to go, walking on without her ego. She is blessed in her dying as we are blessed in our living. They are in fact, the same thing. It's a question of awareness.
Over the past little while I have been on a quiet course of inward exploration. I have not always been successful, of course, but what I have noticed is that my successful moments are always available to me. Likewise, my unsuccessful moments; it's a question of attention, which is a question of choice.
What I have managed to do, on a good day, is this: to observe my actions, to understand my desires, and to align my intentions. On a good day, I am beside myself, as it were. And I believe that opens me to my purpose, whatever that may be. I don't believe that my purpose is up to me.
In fact, the less of me there is, the more there is simply purpose. This is what I call the deepening of the moment... and of the moment, I can barely speak. I need music for this. I need poetry. I have had incredible experiences of late with the texture of the bark of trees, with the placement of stones along the road, with the space between the notes of melodies that spring unbidden into my happy heart. I have felt spaces open up in my soul, and there is a pouring in.... of everything.
I used to think that to be in the moment, was to be still. Now I feel that it is the farthest thing from stillness. Just as silence can be deafening, so the stillness of the moment seems to me an ever-deepening whirl of sensations, of energy, of life forces. History is alive in this mere moment, and standing here beside myself I can feel the bones of life itself rise and fall in time.
When the old woman grinned at the imminence of her death, I could see that there is no need for heaven once you have left your ego behind. You begin by walking beside yourself, and somewhere along the way you walk on without yourself.
It struck me that God is the opposite of ego. I begin to understand how lightly one might walk with God.
Over the past little while I have been on a quiet course of inward exploration. I have not always been successful, of course, but what I have noticed is that my successful moments are always available to me. Likewise, my unsuccessful moments; it's a question of attention, which is a question of choice.
What I have managed to do, on a good day, is this: to observe my actions, to understand my desires, and to align my intentions. On a good day, I am beside myself, as it were. And I believe that opens me to my purpose, whatever that may be. I don't believe that my purpose is up to me.
In fact, the less of me there is, the more there is simply purpose. This is what I call the deepening of the moment... and of the moment, I can barely speak. I need music for this. I need poetry. I have had incredible experiences of late with the texture of the bark of trees, with the placement of stones along the road, with the space between the notes of melodies that spring unbidden into my happy heart. I have felt spaces open up in my soul, and there is a pouring in.... of everything.
I used to think that to be in the moment, was to be still. Now I feel that it is the farthest thing from stillness. Just as silence can be deafening, so the stillness of the moment seems to me an ever-deepening whirl of sensations, of energy, of life forces. History is alive in this mere moment, and standing here beside myself I can feel the bones of life itself rise and fall in time.
When the old woman grinned at the imminence of her death, I could see that there is no need for heaven once you have left your ego behind. You begin by walking beside yourself, and somewhere along the way you walk on without yourself.
It struck me that God is the opposite of ego. I begin to understand how lightly one might walk with God.
posted by David Newland at 3.4.07
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