Now what?

As I write this, I'm just about to leave for Ottawa for the 8th and final show on this year's "The Way We Feel" tour, a tribute to Gordon Ligthfoot now in its fourth season.

And what is the way we feel? I can't speak for anyone else, but for me this tour has been transformative. I guess when you drive all over Central Ontario on a breakneck pace for a couple of weeks, singing the songs of a Canadian hero to really appreciative audiences, it's bound to be some kind of good for you.

For me it's been the tough kind of good. I've certainly enjoyed the shows, and the backstage camaraderie is wonderful. As always, the music is inspiring and it feels righteous to be presenting the show. And as the host and a four-year veteran of this adventure, I've got a role to play and a significant contribution to make.

But now it's nearly done, and as the tour ends, so does another little chunk of my life, another iteration of my self. David Newland, version 36.11. Spring is fully upon us. I've finished up a couple of big projects and another couple are soon to be put to bed. I'll spend the month of May swinging a hammer around my home, getting grounded in the garden and working out the logistics for my summer. Oh, and doing my taxes...

And the days will unfold as they tend to do, opportunities will arise I'm sure, and the forecast is calling for lots of introspection. Perhaps out of all that, some sense of clarity will descend, and I'll have something to answer that nagging and occasionally overwhelming question: now what?

Curse/blessing

My mind is a variable thing.

I suppose everyone's mind is. But at a certain point in my life, I wilfully took up the practice of observing myself, even to the point of observing my changing perceptions as they shift with the currents of my life. I have not been able to establish any greater stability by doing that, but at least I can watch myself wobble all over the place.

Right now I'm in a clarity phase. I've eliminated a lot of bad habits and stepped up some good ones, and the result has been to feel like I'm seeing a lot of things really clearly. It's a treat.
Except for one thing: seeing life really clearly isn't exactly cheery most of the time. To look squarely at things as I understand them is to look deep into a terrifying abyss. And that's the trouble.

Based on the facts, there's really only one way out of the human condition: to believe in something. If you believe in something, then it's not the facts, but the story that matters. But the fact is, you can never prove that believing in something works - except by going ahead and believing in it.

The curse/blessing of the post-modern man is to have too many things to believe in, and too many reasons not to believe at all.